Life
I love you!
Prefer audio books, or just want to listen along as you read? Well, to work on my confidence with my own voice, I’ve recorded myself reading my journal entries!
I tend to ramble a bit more on side tangents or more elaborations on what I wrote in the audio, so forgive me. I also haven’t edited them, so… you’re gonna hear my goofs and amateurishness on full display.
Not a lot of ramble at the start, but if you want to skip it, go to 1:08 or 0:34 in the 2x speed version to jump right to the entry.
I love life, it’s so messy, but so beautiful.
I have lived a mean, horrible, ugly life. I have been a bad person, I have been a good person. I’ve taken people for granted, I’ve overwhelmed people, I’ve lied, I’ve manipulated, I’ve cheated, I’ve not respected other people’s feelings and emotions, all of that. I can never be sorry enough.
But now, again, after so long, I feel excited again. …Happy, again. I can feel it, the love in my heart, exploding out again, lighting my whole body on fire, pouring love out of me everywhere, at everything, and at everyone.
I love everything. I love life. I love you. I love the human experience. I love new things. I love old things.
My love is special to me. It is not finite, it does not run out, it does not just fill any one container.
It overflows, it extends forever, it is infinitely deep and can hold infinitely many things. I love so much and I love so many. I want to love like this. I missed it so bad. I want to love so much, and I’m finally being reminded of how it feels.
How did this happen?
I did it. I made someone happy. Really, truly happy. It reminded me of what it was like. To feel even that platonic level of care, that love, that passion. To say something and watch someone’s eyes light up, to hear their voice get that bounce in it, to genuinely put forth an effort and to be rewarded by seeing the other person smile.
Despite everything I’ve done, I’ve always wanted to make people happy. My flaws got in the way, and I did a lot more harm than good due to my arrogance. It was inexcusable then, and it is now.
But now, I did it. It worked. It’s working. It feels so nice to put something positive into the world.
I’ve been telling myself for a while now, that if I can put more into the world than I have taken, or at least start to, then…
Then I’m not who I was, anymore. I can finally tell myself that, that I’m actually getting better. I’m working through my flaws. I can keep working, I’m on the right track, I’m doing the right thing. Or at least as right as I can think of.
I can’t see the emails of who subscribed, but I can see the number. Whoever you are, hi, and thank you. I love you.
And whoever else is reading this, hi, and thank you. I love you too.
Working on this site has given me such fulfilment. I haven’t written about myself or thought so introspectively in a long, long time. So I’ve been thinking a lot, about myself, about everything, pretty much all the time, every day. It’s been exhausting but it has been enriching. I truly hope you are happy with what this place will have to offer, because I’m certainly proud of it.
I can’t wait for what’s going to come next. The good, the bad. Most likely the bad, I can’t have anything good for too long, lol. But still, it’s exciting!
I’m going to be in Vancouver for a few days, so development of the site and my other projects is likely to slow to a crawl. Though I may be picking up another project or two while there, who knows. I’m going to be hanging out with someone very inspiring to me, so I’m sure I’ll be coming back with more stuff than ever.